This is probably my first entry that contradicts another one of my entries... but I'm going to post it anyway. Correcting myself, I suppose. The last one was definitely written out of anger [or something close], and though I thought I was thinking clearly at the time... and maybe I was, it was quite pessimistic and one-sided. Not generally a trait of mine (the one-sidedness, that is).

I've never really been one to take my own advice, and I guess in learning that I decided to stop advising myself. Perhaps not the brightest move, but hey, it's kept me alive so far. It's always easier looking at things from an outside view, which I've always been able to do when it involved other people. That's why they flock to me so; I can give them both sides of things. I forget sometimes though, to look at the other side of whatever's got me down.

The last blog I wrote became what it was because of several people. Some that I'm close with, and others I used to look up to... a few fit into both categories. But I've been thinking. [Not much else to do when you've got four hours of activity and the rest of the day to do nothing.] Where would I be without having had these people in my life? Sure, it upsets me that they've changed, or maybe even that they never were who I believed them to be, but holding them on such a high pedestal at the time got me through whatever I needed getting through. Where would any of us be if we never saw anyone as being a greater being? Never thinking that there was more to be than who we were? That we couldn't be better people?

I'm not really sure anyone's to blame. I think we all should just try and work hard to prove our worth to those who do look up to us. Even if we don't know it at the time, we could be changing lives. It almost makes me regret not letting those people know just what they meant to me; just who they were to me... even if it wasn't truly 'who they were'.

At the time I hated them for letting me down, and becoming who they are. It just took me some time and some thinking to realize that I wouldn't be who I am today without them. And... I have fond memories of who they were in my heart; I wouldn't trade that for the world. I get so sad... so sad thinking about it. But I don't let it stop me from thinking about them. Maybe I'll be able to turn these tears into something else someday. But for now, I'll just keep fighting it. And I'm trying to remember that just because one, or even a million people ruin something for you... make you believe a certain way. You should still keep your heart open to others just in case they're different. Just because you've given one hundred people too many chances, or too many people one hundred chances... doesn't mean everyone will misuse them. Don't take away the chance of someone who deserves it just because you gave that chance away to someone who didn't.

Don't get me wrong... I'm still utterly terrified. It's like I'm dying for something or someone to cling to, but nothing sticks. Rolling with that metaphor, I suppose I'm throwing glue at people who can't carry it very well. Perhaps I should be the one apologizing. I just need to learn to carry my own for a while until some things change. Along with that, I need to let go of this fear I've built up. It's one thing to be afraid of losing something you have, but another completely to worry about losing something you haven't even gained yet. I was letting that fear get to me, and the result was deciding to block anyone from getting to me. Maybe that's easier, hiding from everyone. If you get close to no one, no one can ever hurt you. At the same time, though, you'll never know what it is that you're missing out on.

...I wasn't intending on making this so long, but I got carried away with my self-pep-talk. Ah well. Er... there's a lot more I could say, seeing as there's a lot more I'm thinking, but I guess I'll let it go for now.